I just want to Be


All is The Self

that is why one says One Self

no need to say anything actually

No one here but u

It’s same as dream

And the awakening is in knowing this

no more dreaming – no more waking – no more sleeping

just What Is … pure knowing

4: Ok so I’m good a lucid dreaming, I gave it up I found it annoying. But this doesn’t feel like that 

This identification is strong

It’s so hard to see

iR: this is the real lucid dreaming

that is why I call it Awake

who is awake?

who was dreaming?

iR: there is no everyone

this is the dream

there is no me either

it only happens during dreaming

not in reality

therefore, to see what ACTUALLY appears

not what it APPEARS to be

this process may be termed as meditation or yoga

4: The thoughts carry with them the feeling of identity

My awareness has been trained to prioritize thought over all other senses

So who is it that wants to stop thinking

I am just happening and retroactively taking credit for it. It’s a beautiful illusion

These thoughts carry with them such authority

I don’t know how to call off the search

I look for “I” I see it but then I’m not that anymore now I’m observing that me. The thief runs up to another floor.

Then I get frustrated so just try not to think about it anymore but try to remain present

There seems to be an i

All of my friends R

The people are real but

They live in my head to

There’s the person then my perception of them

Which is what I’m really engaging

I understand this and even sometimes I know it but o ly for a second before that knowing is subsumed by the mind then it is no longer fresh it’s a mind object of it.. an echo (edited) 

iR: what did u mean “people are real but … “

4: if you urself are illusory, how can people be real?

Well I assume u guys are real

iR: a) why?

4: But I am aware I have mental projections of u

iR: b) what is real?


so what is real?

4: Right you could all be fake

iR: what is real?

what is fake?

if we are all “fake” then what is “real”?

what is outside the matrix?

what is outside the dream?

4: Obviously I’m the main character and you guys are here for my development.

iR: nope

4: This whole world is here for me

iR: that is the illusion

that “me” does not exist

for who?!

iR: indeed

iR: the whole thing is a happening

4: Yes

4: this is why it is always a direct thing


4: I’m fine with this

iR: I am here

4: ask

it is the simplest thing

the “I” u search for is not there

now what will u do?

and who will do it?

<this silence is not empty>

there is no one here

whether the wind blows, or a dream begins

who is there?

who is the doer? or the dreamer?

this knowledge is knowledge only within the field of knowledge?

which is called consciousness?

I can’t answer

iR: indeed

the answer is knowledge

and knowledge is the problem

this knowledge of the self … of the “I”

is it not false?

what use is knowledge of myself?

I already AM

4: what is the difference between a real person and a fake person? 

Subjectively the “real person” is the one that exist to my senses. The fake one is my projection where they live in my head

iR: what is the difference between knowing it is a dream vs knowing it is waking

4: I just know

But what isn’t in my head?

Subjectively this is allllll in my head

I assume subjective

There is no inside



iR: simple

everything is “inside the mind”

and mind is not real

there is no mind

therefore inside/outside collapses already

4: What do u mean there is no mind

iR: what is called mind is “inside”

4: Mind is just apart of the happening?

iR:is it not?

like a dream

4: So I have no sense of agency

I’m a DVD

iR: there is no “U”

4: Right

This is the record needle hitting the record

I’m that contact

iR: yes

pure knowing

in the “moment”

anything is already past

4: I don’t know how to not look from mind

I’m practicing body awareness

iR: all looking is mind

body is in the mind

4: But knowing the body is a different type of knowing

iR: If u insist

4: It persist despite and beneath thought activity


That’s how I percieve it

iR: all perception is same

content is different

like dreams

4: Get outta town

That’s funny

iR its actual

the perception of mango is different to different ppl

but the process of perception is same

and likes/dislikes is based on past/memory

4: Ahhh

Yes I’m the whole thing

iR: yes

there are no two things

that is non-duality


4: Yes but the mind

iR: what is “mind”?

it is something a term u use

what does it mean to u

4: This pesky re occuring

Because thought

iR: that is called dreaming

or thinking

or “day dreaming”

or imagination

or waking

4: There is this pattern of thinking I’m a me

It’s a way of looking at the world

iR: it is the nature of the process

of the “I”

the one who sees

let the seer be 

u are not the seer

u are the knower

u know the seer

u know the seeing

and u know the seen

o: and when you see the knowing?

iR: if there is nothing to see … then also you are

u can see it

what is there

knowing is itself false

therefore true knowing is this knowing that all is false

except for the reality of what IS

4: I think I just want my mind to shut up

iR: no knowledge

iR: just be

only mind is loop

mind = knowledge

let mind go

no more knowing

the last knowledge

the final knowledge

4: That just creates a me thats trying to let go

A me thats trying to relax

A me thats trying to be

iR: no

meditation is what?

I describe it as the space between thoughts …

find it

4: That’s all I want

iR: how do u know there is a space between thoughts?

4: I’ve been it


iR: so be it now

is it not always?

does it disappear?

or is it the container?!


it is all there is … the space

it appears as this and that

waves in the ocean

but all is ocean only

no waves

just water

ocean = large water

waves = water

are there waves?!


4: All I have are my photographs from my time there. The mind won’t stop looking at them. Comparing

iR: who knows this?

<this silence>

is that what ur looking for?

4: Yes

iR: it is always here

it is the basis

else u can not perceive the movement

it is the background

iR: yes

all is me

or I am nothing

both are OK for mind to subside

4: Like an engine winding down

iR: yea

its a movement

4: I feel spacious

iR: of consciousness

you are space

the mind space

4: My mind chatter is less but

I guess that’s just what’s happening

Sometimes I feel that all I am is resistance

I don’t know how to relax

When I sit still

I am never still

O: what gets in the way of being still?

4: Me

O: hahahahaha, no, not rhetorical

i mean actually, what gets in the way of being still?

iR: that was a good answer

4: I meant that tho lol

iR: now all u have to do is not

4: I have hmmm

I’m always scanning

My mind is always going

I am resistance




I mean it’s something to do

I’m not beholden

o: if that’s the case, can I suggest you take some time and do nothing?

pick a day, sit down on a couch and just do nothing for a while

4: Lol so this why I think I’m resistance

I just fall asleep

o: get well rested then

if you fall asleep that’s fine

but when you wake up, continue to do nothing

4: That sounds horrid

I’d feel like I’m gonna explode

I literally don’t have the attention span for that

I’ll try but I’ll just come to downstairs

As soon as I stop paying attention

I’ll skip

And be some where else

I want to learn how to just be

I really don’t know how to relax

o: iR is trying to give you a verbal description of riding a bike or how to ride a bike

4: It helped a lot

My goodness

Like a knife

I had nothing

Lots to consider

I’m a very mental being so the exchange was felt


I understand to look where the signs are pointing

I like to relate it back to the bit from the Taoteching: “In the pursuit of learning, every day something is acquired.

In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped.”

4: Not to get caught up in the pondering of the sign

The way my mind works I understand

4: Hmmm

How does one do that in modern Life

iR: what’s the difference between Be and Becoming

4: Mmmm

Nothing I mean could be the same thing

It’s not a static image

For either

But becoming is like a transition

But everything is always doing that

iR: listen:

knowing is becoming

being is remaining

I am speaking to the real You

remain as yourself – mind is the becoming factor

you are the Being factor

There is nothing more to be done to “be”

any doing is mind

and is “becoming”

see that u are not the doer

mere witnessing of the play of consciousness

o: you don’t find your center of gravity by looking for it, you just feel into it … and ride the bike 

4: This is why I said my mind is in the way it always tries to do it

If I sit still

Then the mind tried to sit still

It’s not the same

So now “I’m sitting still”

iR: this is so funny

4: It really is

iR: we already said u are not the dream character

4: He’s still there and he feels real

iR: but that is false knowledge

do u not trust that this is a dream?

or do u believe this is not a dream

4: Everyday a lil more of me does

But I’m not a solid thing

iR: that is all

time is inside the dream

4: There are many mes

iR: when will u wake up

That time is not real

Who will wake up?

That is also not real

so now what

4: I feel all I can do is watch it happen

There’s nothing for me to do no me to do it

Just a me that insist it is

iR: that watching is called witnessing if done without a doer  

else is it “watching”

Witnessing happens


u can’t stop witnessing

u can stop watching

4: It’s like… I grew up in this room with a mirrored wall. And my whole life I’ve been convinced that the mirrored me is the one that controls everything that I am the mirror me

iR: Yes

Everything is opposite

what appears is not real

4: Now I’m trying to unsee that but it’s hard cause he’s still over there doing what I’m doing

iR: What does not appear is real

“Real” only being used to explain

4: Yes nothing would change truly in the realization

I’ve always been me

But really every thing changes

iR: what changes is not you

4: I’m still trying to know this vicerally

iR: viscerally is an experience

this has no experience of any kind

like space

nothing at all

4: That always feels like it’s outside me

iR: Because u consider experience as you

4: Yes

Mirror me

iR: experience needs an experienceR

otherwise what is there

4: He’s doing a great job mirroring me so I know what’s going on

iR: there is no “me” being mirrored

Don’t come up with more ideas

u are not a person

Pure Awareness

4: Then who are u talking to

iR: And not consciousness

To myself

Who else

4: Hahahah

iR: ?

I am in ur consciousness

U are talking to urself

4: Haha I am

iR: This you can verify

4: How

iR: examine urself

what else is there apart from your mind?

4: Nothing

iR: so where is the question of “mind” … is it not just You?

4: Is the only problem my dislike for this experience

iR: Isn’t it?

To be continued…